Day Two Of The Blog Challenge…

Day two: Where you’d like to be in ten years?

In ten years, I’d ideally love to be in America! It’s always been a life long dream of mine to live in America and am hoping to move out there relatively soon after I finish my uni degree, unless I decide to go postgrad. However, I’m not entirely sure what i’m going to be doing there. I really admire the people that know exactly what they want to do and know exactly how to get it. But, i’m not like that, i’ve wanted to be everything in the book; teacher, forensic scientist, surgeon, homicide detective, publisher, magazine editor. The last two are probably what pushed me to study English Lit and Creative Writing, but at the end of my degree, I have no idea how i’m going to use it or what I want to use it for. All I know is that i’d quite like to go adventuring ‘in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell’ and that somewhere just so happens to be warm and sunny!

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Homesickness

Homesickness is like a disease.
Look it up and you’ll see a face like mine,
Broken and unsure,
Alone and at this moment unhappy.
It creeps up on you,
Follows you around.
Only showing its face when you realize,
You have to make tea for yourself,
When you realize you’ve cooked too much pasta for one person,
When you realize that if you want a chat,
You have to hunt for an ear.
Things that were there before,
Aren’t any more.
Things you took for granted,
Are suddenly gone,
And you’re not entirely sure when they’ll come back.
I’d wanted to start this new chapter in my life.
Ever since I could remember,
“What do you wanna be when you grow up?”
I’d never have an answer,
But I knew this is where I wanted to be.
I guess at the time,
I just didn’t quite grasp the concept that,
You can’t take your mum with you,
Or that dad wouldn’t be around to get rid of the spiders anymore.
I was a big girl now,
I had to get rid of that spider myself.
But regardless of that fact that I did,
In that moment there was nothing I wanted to do more,
Than call my dad and have him make fun of me for being so scared.
I miss that,
And I miss them.
More that I thought I would.
I’ve never been one to miss home,
Moving from mum to dads and back,
Had made it easy for me to adapt.
But being somewhere further than just around the corner,
Was starting to kill me.
There were no more ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’,
Or ‘I’ll pick you up at five’,
We’d moved on from that.
Progressed to ‘I’ll see you next month’,
Or ‘Phone me when you wanna come home’,
And although I know they’re still there,
Just a little bit further away than usual,
I still have this gapping hole in my chest.
This black hole that is trying to make me collapse in on myself.
This wound that wont heal,
Until my mum makes me a cup of tea,
Until my brother tells me to shut up,
Until I see my little nephew running towards me with arms open wide,
Until I hear my step mum laugh at something ridiculous I’d done when I was drunk,
Until my dad calls me ‘Lou’.
That’s when I’ll be okay,
When I’ll know that everything’s going to be alright,
That when I’ll know that I’m home. 

Day One, Well I’m Going To Try…

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Day One: Your current relationship. If single, discuss being single. 

Nothing is perfect. Life is messy. Relationships are complex. Outcomes are uncertain. People are irrational.” – Hugh Mackay.

I am single, have been for about 2 years now. I haven’t been in a relationship since my ex really screwed me over. But I’m not bitter. Nope, not at all. I don’t enjoy nor dislike being single because I don’t think your life changes drastically either way. When you’re in a relationship, you should’t be expected to dress up every day and look your best, you shouldn’t have to run everything past them before you do it, you shouldn’t have to feel like you have to be with them every second or feel like you have to please them. This in my opinion is much like not being in a relationship, there is no one to dress up for, consult or anyone to please. Your happiness come first and if you find someone to be happy with, then thats great, but there shouldn’t be this massive divide on how one is expected to feel depending on whether they are in a relationship or not. When I find someone that make me happy, I will be with them for that reason, not to make him happy and most certainly not so that I conform to this stereotype that people in relationships are happier, wheres the love in that? 

So This Is Happening…

“The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who’s going to stop me.” – Ayn Rand.

Its happened! Im just about finishing my fourth week at Uni! There’s been ups and downs, just like I knew there would be, but I don’t care because I’m here. The funny thing about packing up and moving away, is that after a while, you don’t feel like you’ve left anymore. This is my home now. This is where my life is and shall continue to be for the next three years of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got homesick a few times, of course, everyone does. But theres just something about it that already feels a little like home. 

Its hard too, at times, much harder than I thought it would be. But then again, we’re not kids anymore. We can’t be spoon fed the right information. We have to do it on our own. And I kinda like that. Its like I craved independence and I didn’t even know it! But it’s here, this is happening. Every morning, I still wake up and pinch myself because every day is like the start of the rest my life. This has happened, and I need to be ready for everything thats thrown my way. 

This Is Me Growing Up!

“It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.” – Lemony Snicket.

This time tomorrow, I’m going to be in Leicester, De Montfort University to be precise. 6am tomorrow morning, I’m going to get in the car for the last time, drive down my road for the last time and wave goodbye to my little old town, for the last time.

Which in actual fact is a massive exaggeration, because I will in fact be back at the beginning of December for christmas. But at the moment, that feels like forever away. I’ve always been a homebody, never strayed far on my own, yet in the same breath rather enjoy my own company. The problem I find is that I like to be comfortable, I like knowing where I’m going and knowing people in my town and moving away? This is the first time I’m going to be completely on my own in a place that isn’t just down the road from home.

I think thats going to be he hardest bit, the fact that home is far more than just a car journey around the corner. However, in the same breath, I cannot wait! Ever since I was little, whenever anybody asked me what I was going to do when I was older, my answer would always be that I didn’t know but what I did know was that I was going to go to uni. So big dream coming true! And its coming true tomorrow, which feels unreal, and I feel as though I need to be continually pinching myself to believe it is in fact actually happening!

As much as I am leaving one home behind, I am getting a new home, and a new extended family that I know will worm their way into my life without my realising and probably wont leave for an awfully long time. I’m going to get a new lease of life, after not having much to look forward to in the past, I genuinely cannot wait for this next chapter to start.

Me, My Blog and I

This is the story of my blog. I’ve had this blog for only a couple of months, and haven’t actually found my feet or a routine to it yet, but it’ll come, I’m sure it will do. I started my blog for the sole reason that sometimes I have something to say, whether it be worthwhile or just something I felt passionate about. I, in most respects, much prefer written word. It speaks in volumes that spoken word cannot. I tried sites such as YouTube before, but never felt as if anyone was really listening. Yet, when you stop to read something, I think its much more personal, despite whether you agree or enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of YouTube much more now than I used to be, but it wasn’t the one for me. This blog became the place where I felt safe to talk about the things I felt were/are important and even begin to share my own work, something I’ve yet to do in public. This blog has given me the freedom to express myself in ways I never could before, allowed me to think and talk about what I wanted and felt as though people were actually listening, it made me realize that perhaps, there are other people out there who think or do the same as I do, and that thought alone, made me feel just a little bit less on my own in this crazy thing called life.  

The World Needs More Augustus Waters’ (Spoiler Alert)

‘I’m in love with you, and I’m not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I’m in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we’re all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we’ll ever have, and I am in love with you.’ – Augustus Waters.

The Fault in Our Stars is written by the one and only John Green. I, for one, do not think I have ever read a book that was so relevant to my life in such a multitude of ways. The Fault in Our Stars is a heart-warming yet heart-wrenching novel about a young girl named Hazel who falls in love with a guy named Augustus. Seems normal, right? The catch, they both have severe medical conditions. Hazel is suffering from cancer while Augustus is an amputee. They meet at a recovery group held at a local church and end up falling in love although Hazel doesn’t want to as she is certain she will die and does not want to put Augustus through that pain. Surprisingly it is Augustus who ends up getting ill and eventually dying. However there is much more to this story under the surface. The story that John Green paints is simply beautiful, the true meaning, although differing between each reader and perhaps even every new visit to the book, is one everyone should be able to take away and perhaps apply to their own lives to live a more beautiful and fulfilling one. (Here is John Green reading his opening chapter – here!)

My thoughts on the book are obviously more than clear and it is safe to say that it is my favourite book at the present time and it will take a truly magical book to knock The Fault in Our Stars off the number one spot. I truly do not think that anyone reading this book or planning to do so truly understand what is awaiting them at the end. This book becomes apart of you in a way so unbelievably real and life changing. Why? I think because this book teaches you how to become compassionate and how to truly feel but most importantly how to love without holding back or without expectation. I now long for a love like Hazels and Augustus’ or just to simply find my own Augustus who will look past my ‘gas tank and nubbins’ to see the person I truly am or the person I could or should aim to be. Augustus is in many ways the ideal man in every girl’s imagination; his hair, height, looks, the way he talks and acts, are described in such a way you can’t help but imagine him in such a way that would fulfill your fantasies. The difference here is that Augustus is broken, however purely in a physically sense, and even then barely so. Augustus may have lost one of his legs but he has not lost, if anything he has gained, his pure soul. Augustus is, in my mind, the purest image of what every person should aspire to be. He is strong and faithful and loving and has such a positive outlook in life that every person should aspire to have. Even in his darkest moments when he is becoming more and more of a victim to his disease, we can see his everlasting portrayal of love for Hazel, in which he contacts her favourite author after a rather unsuccessful visit together. His love is seen in the fact that his perhaps last lucid moments are spent thinking of Hazel and perhaps the last way he can make her happy even in his departure.

I believe that people should aspire to be like Augustus because he is such a loving and positive human being, something I think that our world today lacks significantly in, because surely if a teenage ex-baseball player who has lost one of his legs and ultimately ends up dying can in turn have such a positive lasting effect on someone who loves him, surely anyone else who is even a smidgen more ‘lucky’ in life can do the same? Wouldn’t it be amazing if everyone else can have just a pinch of the same mind frame and give generously and love unconditionally to everyone in their life, because who knows, we could blink tomorrow and it could all be gone. Life is a precious thing and Augustus understood that in a way that not many seventeen year old boy do, which is why I don’t understand why people of the same age if not older can not simply do the same.

So every time we blink, we should take a moment to take in everything around us, every thought, feeling, sound, touch, every little thing, we should give to every person we love even just by telling them that we love them, that life wouldn’t be the same without them, that they really have changed your life, because in doing so, you may change theirs and then when you open your eyes, you can do so knowing that if the next time was your last, you would happily never open your eyes again.

The Opening To My Unnamed Unfinished Novel (Caution – Slight Swearing)

He had a plan. This was all part of the plan. At least that’s what he kept telling himself. “It could have been so different” he said, “but you had to go and fuck everything up, because you decided it wasn’t enough anymore, what you had just wasn’t enough.” He almost felt sorry for her. Almost. But as he felt her thrash around as he held her under, he imagined it was her face. That’s why he was doing this. It was all her fault. She deserved this, they all did. They all had what was coming for them. They were stupid to think otherwise, to think they’d get away with it. It couldn’t have been simpler if he’d tried. As if it was fate. The plan was perfect, right place, right time, they wouldn’t suspect him. They had no reason to, no evidence or leads worth a damn. That’s what made it even more perfect. They’d never suspect him; never make the connection, because there was no connection to make. She was putting up a good fight, he hoped the rest of them would too, that’s what was the most pleasing. He could almost hear her willing him to let her go, that it wasn’t what it looked like, that she could change. Bullshit. The same pathetic lies over and over, and because that thought infuriated him further, he tightened the hold on her neck, bringing his fingers tighter around her throat. Digging his nails in until he saw a tint of red in the water. It was amazing how superior he felt over her. Holding her life in his hand, he didn’t understand why people used drugs when you could do this. He’d imagined it would give the same high. All too soon though, as everyone does, he came down from his high as she stilled beneath him. It was easier than he thought, taking a life with his bare hands. He supposed it made it easier that he felt no remorse for the lying bitch limp under him. The next part of the plan was simple, leave a mark. His eyes roamed over the room. It was tidy, too tidy, he’d have to change that before he left. He looked from the body below him to the frame on the wall, his decision made. His elbow quickly made contact with the frame, the glass shattering, falling to the floor. He picked up the largest shard, seeing himself in the reflection and rather admiringly liking what he saw. He walked quickly back to the body and lifted her blouse, it was expensive and it’d be rude to get it dirty. He softly stroked her back, caressing it, smiling to himself, before slowly carving the shard into her skin.

Why I Still Believe In Disney

‘We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we’re curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths’ – Walt Disney.

I have been a Disney fan for as long as I can remember. In fact, my mother often tells me that when I was little I watched my Fantasia video so much I broke it and she had to buy me a new one. I guess I was one of those lucky kids who got to grow up with Disney, from the early 90’s right up until today. One thing I’d like to make clear is that I do not in any way disagree with the fact that Disney has ‘changed’ because it has. Massively so. But then again, doesn’t everything have to change at some point to stay current and appease the people of today. As I’m sure, many people, myself included, would be just as happy if Disney were to release a film tomorrow of very much the same quality of ‘Snow White’ for instance, many would not be and this, I feel, is one of the main reasons Disney may feel perhaps pressured to keep up to date with animation techniques and such.

Walt Disney was a brilliant man in many peoples minds, he was a husband, father, brother, son, but maybe more importantly, a friend to all. Walt truly just wanted to give and give and then give some more. Nothing was ever too much for him, he just wanted to see people happy. And I feel its safe to say he easily succeed. Walt made such a lasting impact on people’s lives and can be seen to still be impacting them to this day. Characters and places he created are still around today – Mickey Mouse for example, is perhaps one of the most well known cartoon characters in the entire world and there is probably not one child that has not either been or wants to go to at least one of the Disney parks!

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I’m often hearing of people complaining that Disney films are no longer portraying a ‘significant enough message’. I disagree, while Disney may make movies because they know they will make money, in the same instance they make simply make movies because they have a story to tell and enjoy telling it. Each movie, I feel, has some sort of lesson to teach or some piece of advice, here are just a few of the ones I feel are most important:

  • Meet The Robinsons – ‘Keep Moving Forward’ and don’t be afraid to fail, because only in failing do we truly succeed.
  • Lady and The Tramp – Love can be found in the most unexpected places with the most unexpected people.
  • The Princess and The Frog – You need to work hard to achieve what you want to in life and you need to recognize what truly matters in life, even if it goes against what everyone else thinks.
  • Tangled – Never let someone else limit your life.
  • Dumbo – Everyone has their own special talent that will help the succeed in life.
  • Toy Story – Friends come in all shapes and sizes, true friends are for life and shows the true value of working together.
  • The Black Cauldron – The importance of friendship, loyalty and responsibility.
  • Beauty and The Beast – You should not judge by appearances.

The newer movies have just as much of a message as the older films, all of which are important and significant in their own way. There will always be people out there who will be critical of Disney films because of how they have changed over the years, but I truly feel that things have changed for the better and the morals and values that Walt instilled in the company back in the day are still very much present and that he would be proud of all his company have been over to achieve in the past years and all that they will no doubt achieve in the years to come. People watch Disney movies for a multitude of different reasons, much like people go to the Disney parks for much the same reasons they either just want some easy lighthearted happiness or they truly do believe in the magic whether they be 10, 100 or anything in between. This is why I still believe in Disney, there is so much magic and happiness to be had if only we believe, and Disney helps make that magic happen every single day. And I guess at the end of the day, who wouldn’t want to be apart of that?

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Spoken Word That I’ve Yet To Speak Outloud – I Could Be A Poet

I could be a poet, I’d tell myself,
I mean how hard could it be?
Its just rhyming words,
And then, and then,
Note to self, find something to rhyme with ‘words’.

It was while I was trying to be a poet,
That I became well, this,
I’m not sure how it happened,
But I’m pretty glad it did.

Its like I woke up one morning,
And I somehow saw the world anew,
All the colours so bright and shiny,
Blended just so god damn perfectly together.
Like I walked outside,
And somehow I had paintbrushes for hands,
Able to paint the day how I wanted,
With everything in between, no detail too small.

I’d gained this funny little thing we call experience,
And my how the tables turned.

Those two on the bench,
Were two people on a bench no longer,
They were old friends, realizing they wanted each other,
No, needed each other,
Even after all these years.
I could almost taste the revelation in the air.
And with that revelation on the tip of my tongue,
I’d write a poem about love.

That bird there, with the broken wing, trying hopelessly to fly,
Was a metaphor for me.
Trying so damn hard, but not quite there yet,
But he’d get it,
I’d get it.
And once we did,
My lord, we would hold the world in the palm of our hands,
Or wing, if wings had a palm,
But no matter, we’d still be there,
Or here, or where ever we wanted to be,
If only just by believing we could be.
And with that on the tip of my tongue,
I’d write the poem of my life.

And when you turn and say, its not what it looks like I swear,
I’d say, I know, you don’t have to explain,
But trust me, I’m a writer so what I’m thinking is probably ten times worse than it actually is,
But I like my story better,
Because it involves you and your small, well.
And with that on the tip of my tongue,
I’d write one about rejection.

But I’d stand victorious, stand tall,
Yet never taller than you, not that I could if I tried.

I could be a poet, I’d tell myself,
Its only rhyming words.
And then I realized its more like being that bird,
Constantly moving, constantly trying,
Just to find a home.
And that’s all I’m trying to do,
Find a home, for my words,
So that instead of being in here,
They can be out here instead.