Homesickness

Homesickness is like a disease.
Look it up and you’ll see a face like mine,
Broken and unsure,
Alone and at this moment unhappy.
It creeps up on you,
Follows you around.
Only showing its face when you realize,
You have to make tea for yourself,
When you realize you’ve cooked too much pasta for one person,
When you realize that if you want a chat,
You have to hunt for an ear.
Things that were there before,
Aren’t any more.
Things you took for granted,
Are suddenly gone,
And you’re not entirely sure when they’ll come back.
I’d wanted to start this new chapter in my life.
Ever since I could remember,
“What do you wanna be when you grow up?”
I’d never have an answer,
But I knew this is where I wanted to be.
I guess at the time,
I just didn’t quite grasp the concept that,
You can’t take your mum with you,
Or that dad wouldn’t be around to get rid of the spiders anymore.
I was a big girl now,
I had to get rid of that spider myself.
But regardless of that fact that I did,
In that moment there was nothing I wanted to do more,
Than call my dad and have him make fun of me for being so scared.
I miss that,
And I miss them.
More that I thought I would.
I’ve never been one to miss home,
Moving from mum to dads and back,
Had made it easy for me to adapt.
But being somewhere further than just around the corner,
Was starting to kill me.
There were no more ‘I’ll see you tomorrow’,
Or ‘I’ll pick you up at five’,
We’d moved on from that.
Progressed to ‘I’ll see you next month’,
Or ‘Phone me when you wanna come home’,
And although I know they’re still there,
Just a little bit further away than usual,
I still have this gapping hole in my chest.
This black hole that is trying to make me collapse in on myself.
This wound that wont heal,
Until my mum makes me a cup of tea,
Until my brother tells me to shut up,
Until I see my little nephew running towards me with arms open wide,
Until I hear my step mum laugh at something ridiculous I’d done when I was drunk,
Until my dad calls me ‘Lou’.
That’s when I’ll be okay,
When I’ll know that everything’s going to be alright,
That when I’ll know that I’m home. 

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